...and i thought labour would be the hardest part

gracie is going to be 8 weeks on friday and i just can't believe it. it's amazing how each week she grows and how in that time our relationship grows and changes.

i thought that giving birth was going to be the hardest part of having gracie, but over the last 8 weeks i've found myself on a journey that i would consider to have been harder than any part of my labour ever was. that journey was establishing breastfeeding.

i'm not really sure what i expected but i think i was under the impression that babies were born being experts at breastfeeding. i'd been told so many times that it was a natural thing for them to do once they were born, but i guess what the midwives meant to say was that they are born with the rooting instinct, that's all. they aren't born knowing how to latch and most mothers are about as knowledgeable starting out as their newborn baby. i know i was!

when gracie was born the midwife present put her on my chest and she immediately fed. i was in such a world of my own, in awe of everything, and wasn't in anyway paying attention to how the midwife latched her on. a few hours later i tried it myself and gracie seemed to be feeding fine so i continued on with what i was doing. after a couple of hours of feeding my boobs began to hurt. this only continued to get worse. i'll spare you all the details, but i'll say that my nipples began to look like something straight out of a horror show. the pain that i felt every time gracie latched on made my toes curl under and my eyes want to roll back; it was excruciating! i had a nursery nurse from the hospital watch me latch her on and she was pleased and said it looked fine, but it wasn't until 1 week later that a visiting midwife told me i was doing it wrong and showed me the proper way of doing it. AH! what a revelation! or so i thought...

the midwife left and a couple of hours later i had to do it on my own. cue failure. it wasn't as easy as i'd thought. i struggled and struggled but i just knew that i wanted to do this so much for my little gracie that i just had to get myself through it. so i persevered with every feed and after 2 weeks of persevering we finally managed to work out our latch and my boobies started to look somewhat normal again. and what i learned from this was lesson #1: babies are NEVER born knowing how to breastfeed, it's a learning process for both mother and child. gracie didn't open her mouth perfectly to start with, sometimes it was a struggle to get her to open her mouth at all. she'd turn her head every which way except the right way, she'd squirm, she'd fight me, sometimes she'd finally open her mouth wide enough only to shove her own fist in it. and most times she'd just sit there and scream and scream for food and all i could do was sit there and cry and cry, feeling like such a failure, because i couldn't get her to just latch on to my boob. and 8 weeks on we still have some struggles and i'm sure there will always be bad latches, but i'm definitely more comfortable with it and i'm confident that gracie is too.

i also never realised just how often babies eat and how this could affect me, both physically and emotionally. to start with she fed constantly. and by constantly i mean we were probably attached to each other for 15 hours of the day. she even fed while i ate and while i slept. i felt like i didn't have a minute aside from feeding her and like i was just one big boob. i mentioned it to the nursery nurses and midwives and everyone said it was normal and that gracie was only trying to stimulate my supply in order to have enough milk in the future. she would eventually have shorter feeds and have them less often. a week into breastfeeding i bought a pump to help take the strain off of my sore nipples. BIG MISTAKE! at least, for me it was. i pumped and managed to get a little under 20ml. i panicked, was this really all i had in me? was this really all my little girl was getting to eat? no wonder she was always on me, she was starving! she wasn't getting near enough food and if i continued this way i'd surely starve her. this is the point where i nearly drove myself to the local tesco to buy formula. but i just couldn't bear the thought. i sat there crying again and thinking how i was such a failure and couldn't feed my little girl. my husband said we'd talk to the midwife and ask her advice. we did and it was then that i learned lesson #2: your child can never be replaced by a machine. my little girl was much more efficient than any machine ever would be and for this reason i should never assume that what i express is all that gracie is getting. never doubt mother nature, it's a perfect science. i may have to endure a 2 hour feed, but i now know that gracie is definitely getting fed; she's just a hungry little bugger and a growing girl and that 2 hours is fine by me...anyway, i get to stare at my babes the whole time she's there and admire her.

finally, lesson #3: there is nothing like being able to comfort your child in a way that no one else on earth can; it makes all the struggle worth it. for all the times i nearly quit i can now say that it only made me realise just how much i wanted this. i always knew that i wanted to breastfeed but had heard so many women who had gone before me say that they weren't able to. and i suppose i began to think that there was a chance i wouldn't be able to either. i didnt' know why, but i just didn't want to get my hopes up in case i too wasn't able to. i honestly thought to myself that it wasn't that big a deal so not to fuss too much over it. however, when i was sitting there with gracie in my arms screaming her lungs out and thinking i couldn't do it anymore and that that was it i was going to tesco to buy formula i felt an absolute horrible mother. i felt that i wasn't giving up on breastfeeding, i was giving up on gracie. and i FINALLY realised why so many women struggled with the decision of not having breastfed their baby, because it wasn't about failing at breastfeeding, it was about failing to be a good mother. and while i can say that breastfeeding does not equal being a good mother i will say that when i was at my lowest point i did equate these two together in my own mind and i'm glad i did because it got be through another dreadful feed and to a point where i can now look back and be proud of what we've accomplished and look forward and be happy about our journey ahead.

gracie passed out drunk with her milky mouth (how can a mother resist?):

My Birth Story

i should begin by saying, if you're squeemish or if you are easily embarrassed then don't read this because i'm going to be going into all the nasty gorry details.

it wasn't the birth i had planned for, but it ended up being much more amazing than i could've ever expected. nick and i had planned to have a water birth at home. we'd rented a birthing pool for the house, bought all of the necessary supplies and were ready and waiting from 38 weeks. at 40 weeks i was offered a stretch and sweep to try and get things moving and with my internal examination (Tuesday, Nov. 24) i was told that my cervix was still unfavourable and was only dilated 1 cm and baby was still not fully engaged. i felt this required serious action so i did a two day vigorous workout which included a few hours of walking and a few hours of bouncing on my birthing ball.

thursday morning i woke up about 2 am for the usual toilet break and found i'd lost my plug. the midwife had warned me that a stretch and sweep would give me this so i tried not to get myself too excited. i spent the next 24 hours with serious period cramps and with every trip to the toilet i lost more of my plug.

friday, nov 27th at 1:20 am i woke up with a horrific pain in my stomach that felt like i had to run to the toilet for a desperate poo so i tried to hurry out of bed as fast as my fat pregnant body would let me and i got as far as the bedroom door before feeling a warm liquid running between my legs. i don’t know why, but i immediately began to panic. i knew it was my waters and i knew what that meant, but i just went into absolute panic mode. i started shouting (in a weird hushed voice, so as not to wake my parents in the next room) at nick to get up. i start telling him my waters have broke and start freaking out that they’re going to ruin the floorboards and for him to get something to clean it up quick.

he managed to get me to calm down and go to the toilet. while in the toilet i had another sharp pain and realised that i was having contractions; it was a horrible dull tingly feeling that snuck up from my back and around my tummy. back in the living room we began tracking my contractions. they were tracking at about 5 minutes apart so we phoned the labour ward and told them that my water had broke and that i was having contractions and that i was scheduled for a home birth. a midwife, Mark, was sent out to assess me but upon taking my vitals noticed that my blood pressure was really high. actually, it was so high that he expressed his concern with my having a homebirth so we agreed we'd go into the hospital. he gave me a quick internal exam before we left the house and i was told i was 3-4 cm dilated and everything seemed favourable and ready to go; my contractions were also now 3 minutes apart.

nick and i threw our hospital bag (thankfully i was prepared for the scenario) into the car and off we went. i had about 4-5 contractions on the way over to the hospital and nick had to pull over each time cause it was too much to endure while driving. by the time we got to the hospital at about 6 am i was in serious pain. my contractions were a lot stronger and i immediately asked for gas & air, which they gave me straight away. i sat up on the table for about 2 hours just getting myself from one contraction to the next. it was fairly uneventful except for the constant indigestion from my thanksgiving meal i'd had about 12 hours prior. needless to say, i was pleased when i managed to chuck up 3 containers worth of turkey and dressing and dessert all over the place because at least i didn't have to feel that horrible sick feeling anymore.

i remember announcing to the staff and my husband at this point that the contractions didn't feel good, but once one had passed i felt a million bucks and like i could run a marathon. the midwife kinda chuckled and said, "well that's great," in his all knowing way. little did i know that within a few minutes i'd feel very different. my contractions got worse, as they do, and i was actually so exhausted that i wasn't even able to open my eyes between some contractions. i would have enough time during my 2-3 minute break to recover just in time for the next one to hit with full force.

at 8 am i was examined again and was told i was 8 cm dilated. it was then suggested that i take a trip to the toilet to see if i could empty my bladder. while on the toilet i had another contraction, this time without the gas & air and it was actually less painful than the ones i'd been feeling all morning so i told nick i wanted to sit on the toilet. he went and told the midwives and they found me a wheely toilet that i could sit on in my room. i actually had to take a picture so that i could remember it later:

i honestly felt like this saved me; it still hurt, but i felt less pain in my back. i spent the next 2 hours sitting on this toilet-chair thing. at this point one of my 2 midwives announced that she had to run to a meeting so she was going to leave us with the trainee. lol. this may seem like a terrifying situation to anyone else but this trainee was amazing and i'd not even noticed she was a trainee until this point when i was told. also, i could've cared less who was there; i was in a world of my own by this point.

it was about 10 am and nick and i were the only ones left in the room and it was about this time that i began to feel a couple of really really strong contractions. the pressure down below was unimaginable and i was beginning to get that pushing urge that everyone had warned me about. a contraction hit and right in the middle i felt that urge but couldn't communicate through the pain so just started shouting, "PUSH!!! PUSH!!!" while trying with all my might not to push. when the contraction passed i panted at nick, "the next one i'm going to have to push." nick pushed the emergency button which called the trainee back in, but she seemed slightly panicked when we said that i was going to start pushing and the midwife still wasn't back from her meeting, but thank god she came into the room just then.

another comical moment that i was told later wast that the midwife asked that i get up on the table and at this moment i told her that i thought i'd poo'd in my little toilet chair and that i wanted her to check for me before i went to the bed. she was trying to be really nice and began reassuring me that these things happened and not to be embarrassed, yadda yadda yadda...to which i replied, "that's great but i'm not embarrassed, i just don't wish to be dropping poo from here to the bed and then smelling my own shit." lol.

anyway, they checked me and i was 10 cm dilated and they said i was now there and could begin pushing with my next contraction. i couldn't believe it. after all this it was time. they started readying a table with tools and it all hit me that i would be with my little one in just a short time.

i wanted to get back in my wheely toilet and off the table again but they wouldn't let me since they needed to be able to deliver baby. instead they started discussing changing the position of the bed and lo and behold they started shifting what could only be described as a transformer bed. it started making all these sounds and the bottom started dropping out of it and within seconds i was sitting in a chair with a hole that would leave me exposed for the baby to come out. i also had steel hand grips that came up from the sides for me to grip on to. it was the most amazing thing ever and gave me such a relief.

so with the next contractions i began to feel the need to push and i was pushing, but apparently i wasn't pushing hard enough and the midwife threatened to take the gas & air away. i just shook my head and then looked at nick while gritting my teeth on the gas mouthpiece and said, "don't you let them take it." they agreed that if i could focus and push then i could keep it. so i did. with the next contraction i bit down and pushed with all my might. it was actually a great feeling. it was probably the easiest part of my entire labour because for once i wasn't having to fight the pain i was able to just go with it and do the most natural thing that my body was telling me to do. about 3 good pushes later and i felt a gush of warm liquid and knew my baby was out.

the midwife announced we had a little girl and plopped her down on my chest and just like that the rest of the room disappeared. nick and i had a good long look at her and they got her breastfeeding right away. once her cord stopped beating they cut it and i began began my 3rd stage of labour, delivery of the placenta. i'll be honest, it's all a bit hazy after my gracie was born, but i can piece bits together and nick and the doctors have given me the rest of the details.

i remember there was a point when i was told that baby was going to go have cuddles with daddy in the corner and about this time a parade of people came into the room. i'd decided on a physiological delivery of my placenta without the syntocinon injection, however my body didn't react kindly to this decision. i began bleeding out and as a result was given they syntocinon shot anyway. i remember being turned around staring at my gracie in her daddy's arms and then feeling this really sharp pain in my leg like a really bad bee sting and shouting, "SHIT!" and then turning to the nurse that had just given the injection and telling her, "that hurt worse than the labour!!!" she didn't seem impressed, but i managed to get a laugh out of the rest of the room.

after loads of panic and running around, the midwives and nurses and doctors left and it seemed all had calmed down. i later found out i lost a liter of blood and this resulted in my spending a couple days in the hospital and having a transfusion to get me up to a safe level to go home. it was heartbreaking having to stay in the hospital away from my family and away from nicholas, but as everyone said it was for my own safety. i was in a pretty bad state, too. the whole of that friday was really hard for me. every little thing i did sent my body into shock. going to the bathroom left me trying to recover for at least 15 minutes. i felt horrible because i couldn't really pick up gracie since i was so weak and it terrified me that i'd pass out and drop her. i just got to stare at her and enjoy her being with her daddy. i did have a moment of fear when i realised i'd not had any bonding time, but that night at the hospital when it was just me and her we had some good cuddles and it was then that it hit me that she was my baby and i was her mommy.

despite the pain and blood loss, it was without question the most amazing experience of my life. i can't believe i actually did it! and i have the most amazing family to show for it.

delivery summary:

first stage - 8 hr 20 min

second stage - 30 min

third stage - 15 min

I had a spontaneous labour, 2nd degree tear and syntocinon for the 3rd stage due to a bleed out.

my wonderful midwives Theresa and Henrietta (Mark had already left):

2 more weeks?!?!?!?! can that be????

i woke up yesterday morning with the realisation that i only have a couple more weeks left before i'll be within two weeks of my due date, which means i could have baby at any time after! i kept thinking it's still october so i still have about a month, but i don't, in 2 weeks it'll be november and i'll have to be ready to go at any time. AHHHH!!!!!!

i'm so excited but i just don't know if i'm ready yet; oh well, i guess there's no stopping it now. i think i've grown a lot in the last couple weeks. i didn't think i had but i went to put on the largest t-shirt in my closet that i'd been wearing throughout my whole pregnancy and realised that it was getting a little tight :( . i suppose once you get this big you can't just look and tell you've been

growing, you can only feel more uncomfortable and heavier and sense your clothes getting more snug. i only have around 2 maternity tops i can wear now without exposing my belly and even

with those it's a constant battle of tugging to make sure they stay down.

nick and i have decided to use cloth diapers, or as they're called here 'real nappies'. i was going to try to make some myself because they looked pretty easy to make but it turns out they're not really. i made a couple but gave up and decided i'd wait until i bought some and then i'd try to use them as a pattern. i guess they aren't really that hard to make they're just tedious cause there's elastic and lining and all that and it just takes ages to make one. we have a nappy fair on the 31st of October that we're going to and i'm going to buy the bulk of the nappies there and bring them home and make some more.

here's a picture of the one that i did make and the liners that go with them:

and here's an up to date picture of me (34+4):

i should also mention that we've decided to go for a natural home birth in a birthing pool. i have to discuss it with the midwife this week and book in my risk assessment and rent a pool from the hospital. i'm really excited. every time i'd think of having the baby in the hospital i would tense up and i felt like i should because everyone kept saying so and because it's a hospital so it's supposed to be safer but after talking to people and assessing the risk and really analysing it i realised it's not really safer or better. if something happened at home the midwives would send me to the hospital anyway and as i'm only about 5 minutes from the hospital it wouldn't really be that much of a problem. i've been to the maternity ward here and it's not the nicest place to be and my fellow americans should keep in mind that it's not the same in our hospitals. we don't get private rooms, we aren't even guaranteed a room because of staffing and space issues (lack of them being the main issue). at least if i'm at home i know that i won't have to struggle with finding a bed or getting comfortable and i won't have to worry about relaxing afterwards in a room full of other people and their families and hundreds of screaming newborns.

knitting:

i have a few knitting projects on the go at the moment. i make plans to knit something for someone and then once i start them i think, "maybe i'll just knit them and see what i think and decide afterwards who they go to." my problem at the moment is deciding what to knit (if anything) for my mother in law. i know my mother will wear anything and i'm comfortable deciding her what she'll like, but i'm not sure about my mother in law and i'd hate to give her something she'd hate. we'll see...i'm going to finish the projects this week (or i should anyway) and then i'll block them and post pictures and you guys can help me decide.

32 weeks today!

we only have 8 more weeks to go to reach our due date. it's really starting to seem real now. the baby has become very lively in my tummy now. we almost have the nursery together and we're also nearly finished packing the hospital bag. that means we'll be completely ready for the baby if it decides to come at any time. and when i mean ready, i gotta say i don't think there's anything i can do to prepare myself for the labour so i'm as ready as i'm going to get.

i think i'm kind of getting sad that i'm not going to be pregnant any more. i've enjoyed having my little one growing inside me; it's just so miraculous! i can't get over all of the stuff that is going on in there. and although i want to meet my little baby already, the fact that 9 months has almost ended makes me feel like time is already flying by and i just want it to stop and i want to be pregnant for a little longer.

just for fun, here's 10 things about pregnancy that i've learned along the way:

1. you will literally feel your body morphing into a baby carrier - and most days it doesn't feel nice

2. people will decide that because you're pregnant they have the right to say the most tactless things to you like, "wow, you're massive!" or "your acne is getting noticeably worse," and they'll also decide that it's okay to tell you how to raise your child, "i sure hope you plan on breastfeeding," or my personal favourite, "do you really think it's responsible to go back to work so soon after???"

3. trying to fit into a bathroom stall in England should be deemed an olympic sport. there is no easy way to get in one without getting on to the toilet seat to close the door.

4. you don't actually save money on feminine products, you just have to buy different ones (and A LOT more of them!)

5. any money that you want to save for the baby will actually get spent way before the baby even gets here and it will most likely be spent on things like pedicures & waxing (because you can be sure you won't be able to take care of that stuff anymore), maternity clothes, feminine hygiene products, back supports, sleeping supports, and the list goes on...

6. getting in and out of a vehicle is enough to constitute exercise during pregnancy. if someone suggests anything more than walking up a flight of stairs for exercise then they've clearly never been pregnant!

7. whoever said that the 3rd trimester is the easiest has, again, never been pregnant!

8. not every woman's boobs get bigger, as a matter of fact, not only do some not grow, some shrink...rest assured that whatever you want you'll probably get the opposite. as i'm sure you're aware, mine have shrunk.

9. a full size bed (a.k.a. a double bed) is enough to fit one pregnant lady and all of her pillows; the husband will almost certainly be on the couch.

10. worry is the biggest symptom of pregnancy, worry about everything from accidentally eating the wrong thing to being a bad mother.

on the knitting front: there will be few knitting projects posted here between now and christmas since everything i'm working on will end up going to people as gifts. i'll have a couple of things i'll post, but i guess most of my blogging will be about the baby btwn now and then anyway.

we finished what will probably be our last project before baby: the paved path in the back garden. we really wanted to get this down before the horrible rainy winter came and the baby arrived. every winter the ground gets so sodden and you have to trek through it getting all muddy and mucky. we took up the paving stones that had been laid by the previous owners in some sort of patio that served no purpose other than to waste garden space. we moved them into the pathway and thanks to a very generous anniversary gift from the parents, we were able to buy the extra paving stones needed to finish the path. it looks like we did it ourselves and is kinda wonky, but we're hoping that once spring rolls around it'll look like it's been there forever. the grass is in a really bad state and needs some watering, something else that will come with the winter rain.

so i guess that's about it for now. next post will hopefully include nursery pictures! so excited!!!

more time for knitting...

well i've only got 6 good weeks left in me for temp work so i've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that i'm not going to be working before the baby comes. it'll put us in a bind financially and it will mean that i'll have to get a job straight after the baby is born, but there's nothing more that can be done about that.

i have to say that since losing my job i've been able to spend more time with my baby and i've had more time to think on my faith. i think that having had to deal with al of this crap lately i've learned what it really means to hand over control. i do still want to fight to fix things sometimes, but i've also realised that sometimes there is nothing i can do but just roll with it and let God manage it. i've also had such great support from the family and friends and hubby and it's made me really strong at a time in my life when i've really needed it - thanks you guys!

on the knitting front - i've been finishing projects that have been in my knitting bag for awhile. i finally finished my cloud bolero that i started a year ago. i ran out of yarn, but then when i got more yarn i still didn't finish it because i didn't have any time. i just finished it! yea! it's supposed to have some nice ribbon at the neckline to hold it closed, but i didn't have any so i've just left it.

i've also made a cute little matching hat to go with my Uggs for baby.

i'm about to finish up a cardigan that i started about 9 months ago. i have all of the pieces finished, but i just have to finish stitching it together so that it's all one piece. that'll be my next project and i should have that finished for the weekend. so new projects to start: i'm going to do a scarf for my father for his visit at christmas. i'm also thinking about starting some things up for christmas presents; stuff that will only take a couple months to complete. i've been really excited about all of the knitting i've been doing, i just wish that there were more hours in the day!

yea for babies!

well there's way too much updating for one post, but i'll give the basics.

life became hectic after my last post. work brought lots of drama and needless to say, i'm no longer working. there's a long story behind that one, but i'm not in a position to share any details at the moment.

on the baby front, things have been great! the pregnancy has been smooth sailing to date and we only have a couple months left. i'm currently 29 weeks and 5 days pregnant and feeling very very pregnant. the fourth/fifth month i started getting bigger and it was really difficult to associate my mirror reflection with myself. i found it really difficult to grasp that i was really the one with the big belly. I still don't really think that i'm that big until i see pictures of myself.

we've been working on the nursery and getting the house ready for the baby. i noticed on my last post that we were just starting to work on all of the house projects and since then we've managed to get just about everything done. there were a couple of things that i wanted to do, but because we are struggling with only having one income, we're putting those projects on hold. they weren't big projects anway, i was just hoping to get the hallway painted and the mirror hung (that's been propped against the wall for months now) and also to get another wardrobe for nicks' clothes before the family came. all of that is stuff we can live without for now.

we did get the nursery put together for the most part. We have the cot/crib (which will convert to a bed once baby gets older) and we managed to get the steps sanded and stained, as well as lay the new carpet. i just finished my lovely curtains today. we also bought a cheap chest of drawers off ebay to match the crib. Nick had some friends that were kind enough to give us some of their old baby stuff. we even have a stack of baby boy clothes - now we just need to see what sex the baby is. lol. i want to put the linens on the bed so that i can take a picture and post it, but it'll probably be a couple of weeks still.

i've also been catching up on my knitting since i have so much extra time to sit around the house. i found a really cute pattern for some Ugg booties for baby that i made almost immediately.

and here's a look at me and baby over the last few months:

from left to right it's 15 weeks, 17 weeks, 21 weeks, 24 weeks, 28 weeks. i guess i'll be huge before the 40th week hits!

home improvements pt.1

this weekend started off as soon as we left work on friday. we drove straight to B&Q, the home improvement store, and bought a cabinet unit for our kitchen. the kitchen that we have is still pretty new and we knew that it was a b&q kitchen, since most kitchens in this country are from b&q. anyway...just so happened they had ours in stock so we bought it, took it home and started the installation right away. well...like most do-it-yourself (diy) projects in our household, it's never an easy endeavor. after we got the whole unit together and slid it under the countertop we realised that the tile that was on the wall was adding an extra couple of cm to the wall so the cabinets weren't sitting flush. nick had to pull the tile off the wall but thankfully it wasn't too bad a task.

nick taking off the tile:



















so finally we got the cabinet flush with the wall only to realise that it stuck out from the countertop. AHHH!!! so we finally managed to wedge it in there and then screw the fake wood panel thing (the bit that actually shows on the side) in place from the inside of the cupboard. you can't even tell that the cupboard is a new addition. it used to be an empty space under the countertop. it was an empty space for a dishwasher, but we had an undercounter freezer in there. we managed to sell the freezer unit on ebay for the exact cost of the cabinet unit. nice trade!

here's a pic of the unit next to the existing units:



















That was our friday project. then saturday we had a bbq and sunday nick started sanding the steps in the nursery. there were only 2 steps, but they had about 5 layers of paint on them so they took a while. nick is finishing them up tonight and then we'll take the old manky carpet out and i'll stain the steps. we should hopefully be able to get some nice new (cheap) carpet in over the next few weeks and then i'll take some pictures for the blog.

also, here's a picture of me at 15 weeks pregnant. i'm still really tiny, but there's a little bit of a bump. i've not grown much over the week, but i keep reading that i'll grow alot before July. i'll take some more pictures further along.

please ignore the double chin...that seems to have come along with the pregnancy.